Fifty Shades of Alice in Wonderland Read online

  FIFTY SHADES

  of

  ALICE in

  WONDERLAND

  by

  Melinda DuChamp

  BEYOND 50 SHADES OF GRAY…

  Eighteen-year-old Alice is unhappy. Her boyfriend is nice and polite, but he’s also quick and careless in bed, and doesn’t give Alice the attention and variety she craves. But he’s not entirely to blame, because Alice herself doesn’t understand her own needs. She’s heard about what sex is supposed to be like, but has never felt anything remotely close to what she’s read about in runaway bestselling books.

  BEYOND 9 1/2 WEEKS…

  Then Alice follows a vibrating white rabbit down a deep, dark hole, which leads to a place beyond her wildest imagination. There are no nice boys, or girls, down here. Only those who indulge in secret, forbidden, kinky fantasies.

  BEYOND PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES…

  Alice is confused and frightened and… aroused. She is bound. Teased. Spanked. Toyed. Brought to the limits of sexual endurance. And during her trials, she begins to understand her body’s needs for the very first time.

  BEYOND THUNDERDOME…

  This isn’t the fairy tale you grew up reading. This isn’t for children at all.

  This is for those with dark desires, who wish to explore erotic excess beyond the plain vanilla of everyday life. Follow Alice down the rabbit hole, if you dare…

  Author Note

  This is a humorous, erotic parody of Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll, and contains adult situations which are not for children. It is meant to follow the structure of Carroll’s novel, and features a grown-up Alice and her grown-up adventures in a sexual Wonderland. The first chapter sets up the story, introducing Alice and detailing how she began her quest. But if you want to get right to the good parts, click here.

  Contents

  CHAPTER 1. Down the Rabbit Hole

  CHAPTER 2. Advice from a Caterpillar

  CHAPTER 3. Pig and Pepper

  CHAPTER 4. A Mad Tea-Party

  CHAPTER 5. The Queen’s Croquet-Ground

  CHAPTER 6. The Duchess and Mock Turtle’s Story

  CHAPTER 7. Who Stole the Tart?

  CHAPTER 8. Alice’s Evidence

  Chapter 1

  Down the Rabbit Hole

  Alice put the plate back into the picnic basket and then stared at Lewis, who was wiping a bit of lemon meringue from the corner of his mouth with his sleeve. He noticed her staring and grinned. Alice forced a smile back.

  She loved Lewis. And although she was only eighteen-years-old Alice believed she would marry him someday. But now that the picnic had ended, she knew what was coming next. And Alice dreaded it.

  Lewis moved closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and snugging her tight. “The pie was lovely, Alice.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re lovely, too.”

  He moved in to kiss her, which Alice gladly accepted. Lewis was a good kisser, with full lips and a soft, gentle tongue. His hands encircled Alice’s waist, easing her back onto the blanket they’d spread over the meadow’s grass, and kissed her neck. Alice closed her eyes and wished the moment would last forever.

  But it didn’t. All too soon, as she’d feared, Lewis was reaching up to unbutton Alice’s shirtdress.

  She lightly pushed him away. “I’m rather tired, Lewis. Can’t we just kiss and cuddle?”

  “But I love you, Alice.”

  “I love you, too. It’s just…”

  Lewis frowned, then rolled away from her, onto his side. “I know. I’m not any good at sex.”

  The sad way he said it broke Alice’s heart. But, unfortunately, it was true. While Alice enjoyed the intimacy of making love with Lewis, she’d never climaxed with him. She hadn’t even come close.

  Truth was, Alice hadn’t had an orgasm, ever. She didn’t know if she even could. It didn’t bother her much, except for moments like this when Lewis wanted to fool around. Though she knew Lewis was inexperienced, Alice couldn’t help feeling inadequate. As much as he claimed he enjoyed their lovemaking, Alice knew, deep down, he was just as disappointed in it as she was.

  Alice reached over, touching his shoulder.

  “It’s not just you, Lewis. It’s me, too. I’m not any good, either.”

  Lewis twisted his body to face her. “That’s why we should practice. To get better. Here, I got you something to help.”

  He jack-knifed into a sitting position and dug into the picnic basket, pulling out a slender box wrapped in polka-dot paper.

  “I was going to save this for your birthday, but I think now is the perfect time.”

  Lewis handed the package to Alice, who took it cautiously. Normally, she loved receiving presents. But something about Lewis’s tone, and the strange shape of the box, made Alice uneasy.

  “What is it? A candlestick?”

  “Open it and see. It cost almost a hundred dollars.”

  A hundred dollars was a lot of money. Especially for Lewis, who worked in a shoe store earning slightly over minimum wage. Alice ran her finger along the seam and tore the paper off, revealing a plain white box. And inside that was…

  Well, Alice really wasn’t sure.

  It looked sort of like Lewis’s manhood, with a shaft, and a bulbous head. But this was made of white plastic. Near the bottom were two large, rubber ears, sprouting out of the base where hair on a man would be.

  “Lewis… is this a…” Alice searched her mind for a word she’d never spoken before. “A dildo?”

  Lewis beamed. “It’s a vibrator, Alice. It’s called a rabbit. I found it on Amazon.com. They sell everything, and have the best prices. The buttons on the bottom make it rotate and vibrate, and those ears rub up against you.”

  Alice immediately dropped the box as if it contained a live snake. “Why would you buy me such a crude thing?”

  Lewis’s smile faded. “I thought it would help you to, you know…”

  Alice immediately felt bad for her knee-jerk reaction. Especially considering how much it cost. She placed a hand on Lewis’s cheek. “Oh, Lewis. I don’t want plastic and batteries. It’s you I want.”

  “Really?”

  Alice nodded.

  Lewis moved in to kiss her again, and Alice kissed him back. This time, when he reached to unbutton her dress, she didn’t protest.

  A moment later, Lewis had his pants around his ankles and he was on top of her.

  “You’re so hot, Alice.”

  “Lewis…”

  “God, I love your tits,” he said, his hand up under her bra.

  “Lewis, you know I don’t like it when you talk like that.”

  “Oh… Alice…”

  “Why don’t we slow down a little? Then maybe I can…”

  Too late. Lewis was already finishing up. It hadn’t been more than thirty seconds from beginning to end. Which, for Lewis, was a record.

  “That was beautiful, Alice. And you’re beautiful. I love you so much.”

  He kissed Alice again, then rolled off of her, onto his back, and tucked himself into his jeans. A moment later he was snoring.

  Alice felt like crying. Everything about Lewis was so perfect, except for this. She had barely felt him enter her before he’d finished. Alice buttoned her dress back up, stared at the fluffy, white clouds overhead, and asked them how she could improve their sex life.

  The clouds didn’t answer. Because clouds don’t talk.

  Turning away from Lewis, Alice’s eyes locked onto the box he’d given her. The rabbit. A terrible gift, one that reminded Alice of her shortcomings.

  “Oh, Lewis, what are we going to do?”

  Alice wished, more than
anything in the world, that she could be a regular, normal girl. She wanted to have those earth-quaking orgasms her friends told her about. She wanted to feel like a real woman, not like a broken doll. Alice truly believed Lewis was the man for her, the one she wanted to live happily ever after with. But she didn’t know of any fairytales where Prince Charming couldn’t make the princess climax.

  “Someday my prince will come,” she lamented softly, “too fast.”

  Then again, maybe it wasn’t all the prince’s fault.

  Alice hesitantly reached for the box, then withdrew her hand before touching it.

  What am I afraid of? Alice thought, chiding herself.

  She glanced at Lewis again, making sure he was asleep. Alice couldn’t imagine how embarrassing it would be if he saw her do what she was thinking about doing. But Lewis was still snoring softly, and if the pattern held, he’d be asleep for at least another hour. So once again, Alice reached for the box. This time she did pick it up, taking a closer look at the rabbit.

  If it was designed to look erotic, the designers got it wrong. This toy was decidedly unsexy, and Alice had no desire to get it anywhere near her private parts, let alone put it inside.

  She pressed one of the buttons on the base, and almost dropped the rabbit when it began to undulate in her hand. Once the shock wore off, her original assessment remained. This thing looked goofy, not arousing.

  Alice pressed another button, and the rabbit’s ears began to vibrate.

  Hmm. Interesting.

  Alice didn’t know a lot about her own anatomy. Her mother died when she was young, and her father wasn’t very good at answering questions about anything related to the female body. But she knew enough to know the top part of her nether regions was the most sensitive spot, and these ears looked like they would fit perfectly over it.

  Alice tested the vibration with her thumb. It was strong. And a dial on the base made it even more intense.

  “So,” Alice whispered to herself. “Do I wait forever for Lewis to figure out how my body works? Or do I figure it out for myself?”

  Alice chewed her lower lip, made her decision, checked to make sure Lewis was sleeping and no one else was around their picnic nook. Then she tentatively lifted the hem of her dress and—

  The white rabbit vibrator hopped out of her hands!

  Alice sat up, reaching for it, and the rabbit hopped again, off the blanket and onto the grass.

  “That’s… impossible,” Alice said.

  She rubbed her eyes, convinced this couldn’t actually be happening. It had to be a dream, like in some silly Victorian fantasy novel. Getting on all fours, Alice went after the rabbit, reaching out both hands to grab for it, and the vibrator took three big hops and disappeared into the woods.

  Alice didn’t know how to react. She’d never experienced anything even remotely like this. Though admittedly her experience was limited, Alice didn’t believe that sex toys, even the expensive ones, came to life and ran off. But odd as it was, Alice had no choice but to go after it. She would never be able to explain to Lewis how she had lost his gift.

  Alice ran into the woods, even though she had forgotten her shoes, and fortunately was just in time to see the toy pop down a large rabbit hole under a hedge.

  “Oh dear, oh dear, this is crazy!” Alice dipped down onto her hands and knees and peered into the hole, but she didn’t see any sign of the device. It must have hopped further in. There was no helping it, she was going to have to climb in after. Alice started crawling.

  The rabbit hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping before she found herself falling into a very deep well.

  Alice fell and fell for what seemed like an eternity. Down and down and down. The air in the well smelled sweet and exotic, and the longer she plunged, the warmer and more relaxed she felt.

  “Surely when I hit the bottom, I will not be so comfortable,” she said to herself. “In fact, I’m sure I will be horribly maimed.”

  But Alice was wrong about that, just as she’d apparently been wrong about sex toys running off, and when she finally reached the bottom, she landed quite gently on a cushion of pink velvet in the middle of a small room.

  Her first thought was to find the vibrator, and Alice spotted it even before she’d climbed off the cushion. It hopped past a small table and toward an even smaller door.

  Alice scrambled to her feet and dashed after it, but it was through the door and hopping into what appeared to be a beautiful secret garden before Alice was able catch it. She tried to follow, but her shoulders were too wide, and only her head could fit through.

  “There must be another way,” she exclaimed to herself. Losing Lewis’s gift wasn’t an option, and she didn’t have a hundred dollars to replace it. So she circled the room three times before finally noticing a blue bottle perched on the top of the table.

  The blue glass sparkled, the bottle’s neck curving alluringly to an ornate cork at the mouth. Alice picked it up, stroking it with her fingers, and saw a label stamped on the cork.

  DRINK ME

  Anticipation shivered through her. It would be silly of her to bring it to her lips. She didn’t even know what liquid was inside. But still… what if she did?

  The thought of tasting what the bottle had to offer teased at the back of her mind. Alice pushed it away, but even before she set the vessel back down, the temptation was back. What would it taste like? What would it do? Was it some kind of exotic liqueur? Would it make her tipsy? Downright drunk? Would it shrink her so she could fit through the small door? If so, wouldn’t that just be the stupidest thing ever?

  Maybe this strange, underground world was messing with her common sense. Or maybe she was just easily manipulated and lacked self-control. Whatever the case, without another thought, Alice opened the cork and took a swallow.

  The fluid was thick and silky, and it moved over her tongue and infused her taste buds first with sweetness, then salt, then a flavor she’d never quite tasted before. She took another drink, and another, until the bottle was empty.

  Besides the wonderful flavors, nothing happened.

  Until…

  Alice’s body began to grow warm. Not hot or uncomfortable, but languid and relaxed. Her dress felt tight. The heat ran through her bloodstream like warm molasses and collected at a spot between her legs.

  A button popped off her dress, the thread simply giving way. Then another followed, until the whole front split open down to her waist. She shifted uncomfortably, her breasts pillowing over the top of her bra, the cups no longer containing her.

  Alice ran her hands over her belly, her sides, her back, but it was only her breasts that had grown too large. The rest seemed as normal as ever, except for the heat between her thighs.

  She shrugged out of the dress and let it pool on the floor. With the buttons gone, it was nearly worthless, and the bra pinched her painfully as well. Finally, she grew so hot in her nether regions that she slipped off her panties, desperate to keep cool.

  “Oh, dear!” she exclaimed. “What do I do now?” But Alice knew there was only one thing to do. She had to wait until the blue liquid’s heat wore off and her bosoms shrunk. Then she’d find a way home, whether she caught the rabbit vibrator or not.

  Alice paced around the room, wishing for a window she could open to bring in some air, and then she felt it; a delicious, cooling breeze. She followed its source, light and refreshing on her skin, and to her surprise it led her to an open door she’d never noticed before. So cool, so nice, she stepped outside, just for a moment, but before her moment was up, the room had disappeared and she was in a garden much like the park where she and Lewis had their picnic.

  Lewis.

  She scampered along the edge of the woods, eager to get back to him. She had no idea how she would explain her nudity, nor her burgeoning breasts or her nipples, which were tight and protruding as if she was chilled. But she could
wrap their picnic blanket around herself, and cover it all up. And eventually the heat and the throb of pressure building in her secret place would fade and everything would be back to the way it was.

  At least she could hope.

  But when she reached the spot where they’d enjoyed their lunch, she realized she’d gotten it all wrong. This wasn’t the park. She didn’t know this place at all. And in the distance she heard the scolding of birds and what might be harsh human voices, and she ducked into the shelter of a trail through the trees before anyone could see she wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothes on this bright summer’s day.

  Chapter 2

  Advice from a Caterpillar

  Feeling self-conscious and more than a little ashamed, Alice followed the trail into the forest, sticks and pebbles poking her tender, bare feet, twigs from the ominous, overhanging tree canopy pinching at her hair like thin fingers. Soon the sun was just an occasional flicker through the branches, and a cool ground wind blew firmly across Alice’s naked body, stiffening her nipples. Quickening her pace, and getting more and more anxious as the woods darkened, Alice glanced down until she could no longer make out the trail. She turned, trying to backtrack, but couldn’t find the path she had taken to get there. However, through a break in the tree line, Alice saw the most interesting sight. A field of mushrooms.

  But these were unlike any mushrooms she’d ever seen. Dark and enormous, almost up to her shoulders, with thick, fat stems and bulbous heads so big she couldn’t wrap her arms around them. The sight of the shrooms both repulsed Alice and drew her toward them, her feet heading into the field on their own volition. Soon she was surrounded by dozens, hundreds, a whole forest of mushrooms, so close together that Alice rubbed against them as she passed. The caps were soft, almost velvety, but firm and unyielding. They reminded Alice of something, but for the life of her, she couldn’t remember what.

  The potion Alice had swallowed was making her tingle more than ever. Looking around to see if anyone was watching, Alice pressed her palm between her legs, trying to calm the throb. Her hand felt good there, rubbing softly against her as she walked, and Alice thought about her boyfriend, Lewis. Why couldn’t he be here right now? More than ever before, she would have liked him inside her. In fact, Alice had never been so eager for it.